Monday, June 25, 2012

A Wink and A Smile!

I know we have posted some deep heart wrenching things lately so I just wanted to share a little bright spot from today. There were days months ago that we didn't know if we would ever see Jax smile responsively. A seemingly minor milestone for most babies has been a major one for Jax. Every time I see this face my heart melts and it gives me hope.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Re: Breaking the Silence II

You are not alone...
The road you are on is the one I have chosen for you.
You trust Me to hold the very Universe in order, but
you let the seed of doubt begin to sprout. It's vines growing deeper as days pass.
I am your guide...
Surrounded by darkness, you can't see the light, yet I am there.
Am I not the one who healed the blind? the lame?
Trust Me to lead, even when you can't see what is in front or behind you.
I am your light...
The fires are hot. The hammer is hard. It must be this way.
Do you believe I would forge something that is too weak to use?
Do you believe I would make something that isn't perfect?
I am the Maker...
In your very words you say you believe I hold the Sun, Earth, and
Universe in My palm yet, you worry about the ones you love the most.
Can I not also hold them?
Can I not also give them exactly what they need from Me?
Can you let worry drown, and trust that I will keep them afloat?
I am Love...
You say you trust Me, you say you will follow Me, and you say I am your strength
yet, you are contemplating despair while I'm educating you with hope.
It's so ironic, you say you want to believe, trust, follow, and hope in Me.
Then don't change who you are because who you are is how I made you to discover Me.
I am your Creator...
I know you are weary, worn out, and feel like you are bleeding on the roadside.
You may feel alone, robbed, and full of despair, but I won't let you slip away.
On this road you will learn what it means to receive the very hope that you keep denying.
I am your hope...

Trust Me.
Believe in Me.
Let worry die.
Let despair rot away.

Let Me be your rest...

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Breaking the Silence II

I've stood by a long time and wanted to write something. I just didn't know what. I think i know now. This is a conversation between me and God. It's the only way i know how to get what i want to say out of my complex thoughts. For me i know can be completely myself with Him. So it begins...

I am not alone...
It's a thought that is hard to swallow considering the road I'm on.
I believe you hold the Sun, Earth, and the very Universe in Your palm,
but in the deepest part of my mind I question the end result of Your actions.
Give me rest...
Are we destined to be in darkness for the rest of our lives?
We walk like the blind, feeling our way through this like people without eyes.
You are my God, my Creator, my King. You know me to the very core of who I am.
Give me rest...
The fires of the forge burn. The hammer striking is now a dull pain, no longer a sharp sting.
The smell of the smoke is now familiar, comfortable even. What am I, nay, What are we becoming?
A Sword to pierce the very heart of Darkness? A tool for binding wounds? Something unknown?
Give me rest...
You know me. You know above all things, i will take your hand as you lead, even to the very fires of hell.
We are tired and numb, broken and worn, yet we still move. I know You are the unseen strength.
What then can i say Oh Lord? Do i question your motives? actions? No, I trust You.
Give me rest...
We are weary, beaten, bruised, and tired. There is beauty in suffering. You know this more than anyone. It must be painful that so many give up, so soon. You know I believe You have a purpose in all things. I feel ashamed when I can't hold on, yet I believe that is when you are holding me. Help me, Heal me, Reform Me.
Give me rest...
Should my flame be snuffed out before my time, Send a smile to my daughters, tell them to never lose the joy of being a kid at heart. Tell my son I'm so very proud of him, he will always be an inspiration to his father. Tell my wife I adore her. She is beautiful and kind, and is the strongest person I've met on this earth.

I trust You.
I don't understand why we walk in this darkness, but
I trust Your decisions.
I'm scared this darkness will snuff out the light of the ones I love the most, however
I trust Your involvement.
I humbly ask of you one thing.
One thing that I believe could alleviate some of the pain and darkness we are so familiar with.
One thing that I believe you could grant if you saw fit, however not my will, but Yours be done- Forever and Ever.

Give me rest...

Jeremy

Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Heart of a Mother

I think for the last 9 months I have been operating in survival mode. Pushing through each day and trying not to succumb to the overwhelming fear, disappointment and sadness. I hate to be so doom and gloom but this is how I feel right now in this journey. It is extremely difficult to stay positive and optimistic. I wake up each day and walk through each day because I have to not because I want to. The hardest part is walking this journey with no joy for life anymore. I feel so weak, so defeated, so alone, so angry and the list goes on and on.

Have you ever walked in the valley of the shadow of death? It sucks! There are no other words to describe it really. It is just the honest truth. Jax's injury and his condition is truly this shadow that has been cast over our lives. It is always the pink elephant in the room so to speak. We have been pushed off the mountain or hillside into this deep, dark valley where I am afraid there is no end. It is a valley that I fear we will walk until we take our last breath.  I am struggling with how to find any joy or hope again while facing the possibility that Jax may never be healed.

I know that the joy of the Lord is our strength, and I have read all the scriptures about the kind of peace and comfort that only God can give in times of great trial. I have experienced His love and compassion before but this time it is different. I should be able to go to Him with all of my cares and worries yet I find myself  unable to find rest and comfort in Him.

If you want to be real about it all, I have questioned not necessarily the existence of God but rather His involvement in our lives. All that I believed and all that I experienced before now has been shattered. I really don't know what to believe anymore. The questions I have run deep. On a daily basis I ask myself why God? What is Your purpose in all of this? Is there even a purpose? Is it just part of life?

Today was a hard day for me. Every day brings its challenges some harder than others. I face heartache everyday when I watch my son not be able to do the things a normal 9 month old baby should be doing. It breaks my heart when I see young boys running, playing, laughing, hugging their moms, etc. The pain is so deep that I just don't know how to rise above it. I may never hear my son laugh, he may never utter the words I love you mommy, he may never be able to play with his sisters, he might not ever be aware of his existence.

I am in a very dark and lonely place and my soul has found no comfort. I know there are people who have far worse circumstances. I know that I should probably count it all joy. But this is where I am. This is the lot my family has been given. The fact of the matter is there is no peace, no comfort and no joy in watching your child suffer. You may think differently of me now that I have expressed some of my feelings. But honestly that is okay. I need to be honest. I need to vent. The heart of this mother is silently screaming.